(September 1, 1999) The battle over water control continues to heat up, pitting Governor Parris Glendening against county officials over the extent of Maryland's response to projected shortages in water resources around the state.

"Glendening's rules prohibit use of sprinklers. But lawn owners intent on skirting the law can exploit a substantial loophole that allows unrestricted watering of gardens and greenery if done by an individual. This certainly violates the spirit of the water restrictions. It presents a threat to our county's long term safety," complained a Montgomery official who promotes county-level bans on all non-government water operations.

With county government set to prohibit all watering, moderates are calling for sensible first steps, such as a crack down on the private transfer of devices they call "assault nozzles." Officials describe these as sleek, black spigots whose only purpose is to allow a lawn owner to spray water across his property quickly. "Assault nozzles typically have a coupling for use with high-capacity hoses, allowing water flow well in excess of what even good quality sprinklers would provide. They clearly have no legitimate domestic applications."

Water scofflaws often buy assault nozzles at Lawn and Garden shows, where they change hands without any check that the buyer has a state-approved purpose for high-capacity watering. Experts decry nozzle availability to minors, who buy them at hardware stores to support a growing market for children willing to hand-water for pay.

"Water rationing is not possible in a permissive climate where anyone can freely buy tools of mass irrigation," stated a representative of the Johns Hopkins School of Public Health. "The natural habitat of wildlife in forests and fish in the Potomac are at risk because a few determined fringe elements insist on wasting resources in pursuit of a non-existent right to green yards. I say, what about green forests and blue rivers? Doesn't Mother Nature have rights? A healthy ecosystem is surely worth a few minor inconveniences." The JHU spokesman lauded strong enforcement of existing water restrictions, but complains that residents elsewhere in the state aren't bearing the burden of rationing equally. "Home owners in western Maryland having private wells should be made to live under the same rules as those of us suffering in Montgomery and Baltimore. We're all in this together!"

Lawn owners who hand-water their property concede they are exploiting a loophole, but insist that everyone needs the freedom to choose what lives or dies during a drought emergency. "What I do with my garden is my business," said one Montgomery resident. "Doug Duncan can kiss my azaleas."

A spokesman for the Nozzle Rights Association argues that "Spigots don't water bushes -- People water bushes." But especially in Montgomery County, most residents feel uncomfortable with these extremist attitudes. Said one neighbor of a known scofflaw, "Some days he's out there at five o'clock squirting water all over. One morning I went out to ask him to think what he was teaching the children, and he aimed his aimed his hose right at me!" The bumper sticker on this scofflaw's BMW defiantly boasts: My gun, yes; my SUV, maybe; my begonias, never!

Responding to pressure, Governor Glendening has tasked Lt Governor Kathleen Kennedy with establishing uniform enforcement of water restrictions between Montgomery County and the rest of the state. This apparently caught her staff off-guard, as their initial statement was "The peasants are thirsty? Let them drink milk!" This was retracted, and replaced by an announcement of a three-pronged approach to solving the state's watering problems.

First, Kennedy will boost funding for the Maryland State Police's Cease Water Unit, a crack organization set up to run surveillance and sting operations on unlicensed waterers. Enforcement will depend heavily on monitoring of water meters to identify potential abusers. "Rigorous enforcement is key!" exclaimed Kennedy.

The second thrust is to turn off water right at the tap. Kennedy will work with Attorney General J. Joseph Curran, to prepare litigation against nozzle manufacturers and their distributors. "Manufacturers say they follow laws, but we will show how they irresponsibly push products to unlicensed individuals in our suburbs," stated Kennedy. "If only industry didn't make these products, we would not have illicit lawn care." Distributors refused comment, but the state dealers association pledged cooperation with Cease Water to find a reasonable middle ground on marketing.

Finally, Kennedy will work to bring the next generation of homeowners up right, requiring education on water use in schools statewide. "We can win the hearts and minds of our young. No governor need live in fear of dissent," said Vinnie DeMarco, in his first statement as Director of Hands Without Hoses, responsible for implementing the state education program. DeMarco's group will kick off a state-paid ad blitz featuring McGruff the crime dog ("Help take a gulp out of crime!") demonstrating the only legal way to water Maryland lawns during a drought.