(May 20, 2002) Hey, it isn't easy to be an anti-gunner in Maryland, especially if you are also a legislator! The mental contortions and gyrations you must suffer in order to hold your views would make Gumby wince.
Here's a checklist that maybe will give your anti-gun acquaintances something to think about, and at the same time help you recognize what we're up against. Advanced students of situation art will recognize that almost all of these entries come directly from specific legislation, testimony or other events from the recent term in Annapolis. Bonus points to readers who can cite the relevant bill number, hearing and year! - Jim
1. You must call for strong measures to combat rising crime, then enable criminals (or their estates) to sue any homeowner who uses force while defending his family from criminal attack.
2. You must lavishly spend tax money on expensive, high-tech surveillance cameras so police can watch citizens become victims of criminal assault, then ban possession of affordable low-tech handguns that a citizen might have used to repel the assault.
3. You must argue that a violent thug can be trusted after paying a debt to society, so society must return his right to vote. You must argue that no citizen who commits the smallest misdeed can ever be trusted, so society must never return his right to own a gun.
4. You must support mandatory jail sentences for any ineligible person caught in possession of a handgun, yet oppose jail time for most crimes that make the person ineligible in the first place.
5. You must argue for restoration of criminals' voting rights by citing the disproportionate rate at which blacks are incarcerated for crime, then brand as a racist anyone who cites a disproportionate rate at which blacks become criminals in the first place.
6. You must believe teachers and administrators who represent organizations opposed to private ownership of firearms will present a fair and balanced gun safety message in all Maryland classrooms.
7. You must believe that decisions on curricula for reading, math and history are best made by local school boards with the help of parents, but decisions on curricula for gun safety are best made by the state with the help of anti-gun advocacy groups.
8. So all citizens may exercise our right to vote, you must oppose voter literacy mandates, poll taxes or other barriers at the polls. So only the right citizens may exercise our right to bear arms, you must support a mandate for state safety training.
9. You must believe safety is enhanced by making all prospective handgun buyers watch a videotaped recitation of statistics created by anti-gun advocacy groups. You must believe depicting a gun or its firing in that videotape would endanger prospective buyers.
10. You must protect the movie and TV industry's right to portray unspeakable acts of gun violence to kids daily, but punish kids who portray one of those guns in an art class.
11. You must brand handguns not approved by the Handgun Roster Board as 'junk guns' that are unsafe and unsuitable for defense, sport or collection, unless those guns are manufactured in the home district of the President of the Senate.
12. You must characterize your $5 million purchase of ballistic fingerprinting technology as a prudent investment in public safety, and brand as extreme any detractors who note that the program has not solved a single crime in its two years of existence.
13. You must believe that all cops are racial profilers whose handling of traffic laws must be monitored, but that no cops would inappropriately target citizens in handling of gun laws.
14. You must oppose reform to make Maryland State Police issue a carry permit to lawful applicants, since licensees are prone to starting wild gunfights in the streets. You must support the current regulations that allow Maryland State Police to issue a carry permit to whomever they want as a sensible way to protect the political elite.
15. You must believe Maryland State Police would never exercise their discretion over carry permits in return for political favors from the political elite.
16. You must decry laws that keep minorities dependent upon social programs that don't trust them, while you support gun laws that make minorities dependent upon police who they don't trust.
17. You must attack those who observe that assault weapon bans have no measurable benefit to public safety, and you must label as 'extreme' anyone who questions whether a ban on firearms least used in crime makes sense.
18. You must believe the separation of church and state is untouchable while the right to keep and bear arms is open to interpretation.
19. You must believe the Johns Hopkins University researchers who report that violent crime went down in DC after guns were banned.
20. You must support new monitoring of Johns Hopkins University doctors who perform dangerous medical experiments on patients. You must oppose new monitoring of Johns Hopkins University gun policy advocates who perform dangerous social experiments on citizens.
21. You must believe that when a politician elected with Fraternal Order of Police donations overlooks reports of police abusing citizens, his decision is for the public good. You must believe that a politician elected with NRA donations will oppose gun control only because he is a corrupt shill of the right wing.
22. You must believe parents would not secure guns away from their children if not for Maryland's access law, and that any parent who previously left handguns accessible to his child suddenly stopped when the law was enacted in 1992.
23. You recognize that half of the children injured in gun accidents in Maryland are kids of cops, which is why you exempt police from most gun safety laws.
24. You know that ordinary people who become federally licensed to deal in firearms become corrupt and so must be closely monitored by Maryland State Police Ceasefire for criminal prosecution at their first administrative error, whereas unlicensed Troopers in MSP Ceasefire who illegally deal banned handguns out of their state barracks only make technical errors that can be corrected by administrative action.
25. You know handguns are so complex that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy.
26. You know that police officers, who qualify with their duty weapons once or twice a year, possess a special Jedi-like mastery over handguns that other citizens can never hope to obtain.
27. You must recognize that citizens don't need to carry a gun for personal protection but police chiefs, who are desk-bound administrators who work in a building filled with cops, need a gun at all times.
28. You must insist that women are just as intelligent and capable as men, while arguing that a woman with a gun is an accident waiting to happen.
29. You know that gun manufacturer advertisements aimed at women are designed to prey on their fears, while administration hearing testimony predicting wild shootouts on the streets is responsible advice about the consequences of restoring right to carry.
30. You know that assault weapons have no purpose other than to kill large numbers of people, which is why the police need them but other citizens do not.
31. When facing a thug on the streets, you know you can easily incapacitate your attacker with a spritz of pepper spray or tear gas, whereas shooting him with a .357 Magnum will cause him to become angry, take your gun and kill you with it.
32. You must subscribe to the New England Journal of Medicine to get expert advice about guns. (If you are a doctor, then you must also read Guns & Ammo Magazine for excellent treatises on heart surgery.)
33. You must know the 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, refers to the National Guard, which was created by an act of Congress in 1917.
34. You must believe the National Rifle Association is evil for supporting the Constitution and Bill of Rights, while the ACLU is good for supporting the Constitution and Bill of Rights.
35. You must sue Microsoft when it pressures other companies to give Microsoft products preferential treatment, but you must press the Federal government to only buy guns from Smith & Wesson.
36. You must support a cooling off period for anyone seeking a gun, since the state has a reasonable interest in the matter, while you must oppose any cooling off period for anyone seeking an abortion, since it is an unconscionable intrusion by the state.
37. Because a fifteen-year old girl is mature enough to get an abortion, you must protect her from having to tell her parents of the procedure. Because a thirty-year old woman is not wise enough to weigh the risks versus benefits of carrying a gun for self-protection, you must protect her from making that choice.
38. You must know in your heart that the man who said "a right delayed is a right denied" never intended for this to apply to right to keep and bear arms.
39. You must applaud activists who reversed the Dred Scott decision or 18th Amendment, since even though the system was stacked against them they fought to overturn "unjust" laws once deemed constitutional. You must enact new laws to crack down on radicals who work to overturn "unjust" gun laws, since no gun law has ever been deemed unconstitutional.
40. You know that when a majority of the people supported owning slaves, the minority who fought to extend Constitutional protections to all were fighting injustice, although if a majority of the population ever supports gun control, then anyone opposing gun laws will be an extremist acting against the people's will.
41. You know most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by because they can be trusted.